I Miss the Banter
by Cally Starkiller
Summary: Try as they might, Joker and Shepard struggle to keep their friendship alive despite the feelings one only feels for the other while one is head over heels for someone else...


**A few unfinished stories mashed into one oneshot. **

**All in all, its just banter.**

**happy belated birthday sister. **

**Read. Review. Roadkill. **

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><p>"You know. Most normal people get beauty sleep." Shepard raised an eyebrow. "Then again…you're not normal." Shepard looked up to see Joker standing there by her doorway, watching her as she filed out more reports for Miranda.<p>

"Thanks Joker." Shepard said sarcastically, still typing away on her holopad.

"I meant that in a good way Shep. No harm." Joker raised his hands in defense, seeing a small smile flicker across her face before facing back at her holopad again.

"Shep? Really Joker?" She sighed, shaking her head slightly.

"Well what else can I call you? Commander Shepard. Commander. Shepard. Sheppy? Yeah, I like Sheppy. I'll say that instead from now on." Joker limped his way over toward Shepard's cluttered desk, observing what she was doing quietly. He'd never admit it but he liked getting a rise out of Shepard.

"You know what Joker? I liked Shep." Shepard threw the holopad she was typing on into another pile, knocking it over and holopads scattered across the floor. She huffed, ignoring it for now.

"Too bad. I like Sheppy better." Joker took one of the holopads that Shepard was about to grab for and Shepard scowled. "Sorry…were you working on this?"

"Since when did you get so bold?" Shepard inquired, snatching the holopad from his hand and continued working.

"Since you gave me that well deserved ego boost yesterday. Oh what was it…? Oh right. And I quote, 'Thanks Joker. If it weren't for you and your exceptional flying skills, we'd all be dead meat by now. Nice cap by the way'. End quote." Joker grinned from ear to ear, crossing his arms triumphantly, remembering that day vividly.

"You read too much into things." Shepard rolled her eyes, biting her bottom lip from smiling. "Hand me that other holopad will you?"

Joker gives her a questioning look. "Shepard." He gestures to the large pile of holopads beside him. "Which one?"

"Very funny." She shoves the unnecessary ones off the desk and picks up the one she intended to get. "I don't get why Miranda needs me to do all these reports. Isn't that her job?"

"If it is, why are you doing her job?"

"I'd rather not have the wrath of Lawson thank you very much." After a few moments of silence Shepard gave up. "Forget it. We're taking shore leave."

"About time. I could hear everyone complaining about not having a Christmas break." Joker's eyes flickered toward hers. "Me included."

"Wait…did you just say Christmas?" Shepard got up from her chair, bumping even more holopads onto the floor and faces Joker. "Christmas is here…?"

The way she said 'Christmas is here' reminded Joker of a little girl's voice. He shivered slightly and saw a haunted child-like state overcome Shepard. "Yeah…Christmas is here."

"I can't believe I forgot about Christmas." A moment passed and Shepard smiled fully to herself, remembering the times the Tenth Street Reds celebrated Christmas. "To the Citadel Joker."

…

"Those lights on that tree look pretty." Shepard pointed at a large tree, which was sparkled with bright blue and dark purple Christmas lights.

Joker just smiles and nod, glancing at the ecstatic face of his Commander. He hadn't seen her this happy and stress-free in forever. "Whoa look at that one!"

Joker barely looked at the tree she was pointing at this time as he watched her gush over every single tree they passed. At last he speaks, "Having fun?"

Shepard gazed at him and grins widely. "Definitely."

Joker and Shepard walked past many curious aliens who were observing the trees on the Citadel. Apparently, C-Sec approved the Human Holiday Preservation group and now they have New Years to look forward to later on.

As Joker limped, Shepard skipped, and the two enjoyed the time off the ship. Suddenly, something cold and wet started falling down. Shepard looked up and nostalgia hit her hard.

"Snow?" Joker scanned the area and saw white snowflakes melting on the floor. "What…?"

"Wow they really got in the spirit of Christmas didn't they?" Shepard commented, sticking out her tongue to catch the snowflakes just like she did when she was four years old back on Earth.

"Yeah…" Joker stuck out his tongue as well, not knowing what the gesture of doing so meant to Shepard.

"Its looking a lot like Christmas huh Joker?" The two friends continued with their walk on the Citadel, all the other crew members off at bars or with nearby friends and family.

Joker stared at the sight of a turian dressed up as Santa Claus, likely not really caring that he looked absolutely ridiculous and probably enjoyed doing so. Shepard saw what he was staring at as well and suppressed her incoming laughter.

"You have no idea…"

* * *

><p>Shepard sat at the mess hall table, alone and eating pizza. She numbly chewed on her food, each bite not having any taste for her. Disgusted with herself, she threw the pizza on the floor the pizza sauce splattering all over and cheese falling apart. She smiled.<p>

At last alone with her thoughts. And long did she have to wait until everyone was asleep? Several hours, including 'day time' but it was worth it. Eating pizza at the crack of dawn and savoring each bite was great and all but something was missing…no no she WANTED to be alone.

But now the pizza was like a disease to her. No taste, no smell, no anything. But why? Why now? Anger rising within her she threw her chair back and stomped back over to the fridge to grab another piece of cold pizza.

The wave of freezing coldness hit her, calming her. She sighed and picked up the pizza from the fridge door, heating it in the latest technology known as the Microwaver.

Ten seconds later it was already sizzling and it scorched her pale fingers as she grabbed it out of the Microwaver and onto a clean plate. She gulped it down quickly and licked her fingers clean of the remaining grease. Her stomach growled in satisfaction and her smile widened.

She got up from her abandoned seat and began pacing back and forth, mind busy. So many things happened on Earth. So many things happened on Akuze. So many things happened on the SSV Normandy. And yet through it all, she was still able to happily enjoy a piece of paradise known as pizza.

She is still able to laugh at every joke that she thought funny. She is still able to grin at every rude remark. And she is still able to befriend every single person of her crew.

Shepard grinned impishly and sat down in the middle of the mess hall floor, not caring if someone would happened to have walk down to that particular area at that particular time. Only if they would leave her alone.

Minutes later and she was still sitting there, thoughts rushing in and out. Meeting the crew on the first Normandy. Talking to Kaidan Alenko. Helping Ashley clean the guns and armor. Listening to Wrex's stories. Discussing the Reaper threat with Liara. Looking over ship diagnostics with Tali. Handing tools to fix the Mako to Garrus. Strange conversations with Joker.

She opened her eyes to the sound of approaching footsteps. But they didn't sound normal. They sounded like as if they were limping…Joker. He rounded the corner and stopped at the sight of the Commander. "Hey Gimpy." Shepard whispered in greeting.

"Commander. What are you doing up so early?" Joker yawned.

"Don't you mean Commander what you are still doing up?" Shepard corrected him, holding back her yawn.

"You're STILL up? Jesus who are you, the Sandman's girlfriend?" Joker exclaimed incredulously.

"I don't think Garrus would appreciate me being someone else's girlfriend." A small chuckle escaped, shaking her head at his horrible joke. "Sandman's girlfriend…" She murmured, silent laughter following.

"I know. I know…bad joke. That was all that came to mind. Me and my poor tired mind…" He yawned again, loud and clear. Shepard had to fight back her yawn once more.

"So how are you and…Garrus?" Joker whispered, carefully sitting down beside her on the cold floor.

"Oh the usual awkward dating slash relationship thing. I wait around in the main battery room while he calibrates…better than staring at an empty fish tank." Shepard gave him a small smile, her eyes glazing over with memories of Kaidan.

And like as if Joker read her mind he replied back with a privy question. "Have you talked to Kaidan yet?"

"We already did." Her voice was cold and finality marked it. He dared not ask anything more.

"Right." The two continued to sit there, silence ensuing. At last Shepard walked over to the fridge and grabbed two pieces of pizza, sharing her obsession with her friend. "Commander…why pizza?"

That caused her pause. "It tastes good." And took a bite.

"I know but…why eat pizza all the time?" Joker asked again, taking a small bite out of the cheesy crust. '_God this good.'_

"It keeps my mind off things." She said simply, keeping Joker's curiosity at bay for now.

The two friends eat the rest of their pizza and Shepard gets back up to grab two more pieces. "You're going to get fat someday from eating all this junk."

'_Real smooth Joker.' _He berated himself.

Shepard let loose a small laugh. "No I'm not." The pizza was gone in seconds. "I am a lean mean killing machine. I shall never gain weight."

"Heh." Joker chomped into his third pizza and proceeded to lick his fingers clean. "I believe that."

More silence.

"The reason I eat pizza is because it keeps me distracted from everything I have to do that nobody else will do." Shepard finally confessed, the tension that was present in the room now gone. She sighed, absent-mindedly twirling her hair.

"I wish I wasn't the Commander. I wish I didn't have to fight the damned Reapers and Collectors. All I ever wanted was to help people. But this…" She let out a bitter laugh. "This is too much."

"So…eating pizza is your outlet I'm assuming?" Joker looked toward her. Her twinkling blue eyes looked back at him. She smiled. He bit back his.

"Yeah." Her smile still aimed at him, her eyes still looking at his, her…_'Stop Joker! Stop'._

"You know Garrus is a lucky man to have you. All these other guys on this ship still think they have a chance with you." Shepard rose an eyebrow at that. "I mean, the way Thane says, 'Siha." Joker mimics Thane's low rumbling voice. "Or the way Jacob looks at you. Its creepy." He shudders.

"Well at least you and Garrus will protect the damsel in distress if they ever try to bust a move on me." Shepard grins wildly, an imitation of a damsel in distress coming. "Oh deary me! The lizard and buff man are ruining my innocence. Won't somebody please help me?"

"Do you hear that Garrus? Sounds like your woman. We oughta save her!" Joker cried out, reaching for Shepard's flailing arms. He cracked a smirk back at her.

Shepard grips her sides as the laughter continues, eyes filled with tears of mirth. Joker looks over at her once more. Garrus was the reason why Shepard was happy now. And not him.

'_Garrus is lucky man indeed.'_

* * *

><p>"I'm bored." Shepard declared, leaning back in the co-pilot seat.<p>

"Then talk to Garrus." Joker waved her off.

"Fine." She strolled off, passing equally bored crew members who were extremely fidgety.

One of her legs fell asleep when she heading into the elevator however, and she groaned. "Son of a-"

"Hello Shepard!" Said a high-pitched annoying voice next to her.

"Shut up." She quipped and limped the rest of the way into the elevator.

Resting herself on the elevator floor, she tried rubbing feeling back into it. "Oh come on!"

The elevator doors opened. She turned her head slowly to the sight of Garrus staring at her oddly, most likely thinking that humans were strange once again. No surprise there.

"Hi." She said dumbly, the numbness in her leg still bugging her.

"Hello Commander." Garrus said back and offered her a hand. "Err…what's wrong?"

"Technical difficulties within the body is all. Carry me?" Shepard pleaded.

"I guess…" He hefted the light human up into his arms bridal style and grunted. "Umm…where to Commander?"

"To the mess hall tables." She commanded, pointing in the general direction.

As they made their way to the mess hall, several crew members were staring at the couple.

Garrus set her down on one table and shot the other crew members a glare. They resumed eating but made side-ways glances every few minutes.

"So what was wrong with your leg?"

"Went numb. Feel asleep. Its annoying." She complained, still trying to rub feeling in it.

"Oh." Garrus made a mental note to talk to Mordin about human disabilities concerning the leg. "Should we check in with Chakwas?"

Shepard laughed once and covered it up at the reaction Garrus gave at her laughing. "Sorry its just…its not broken or anything Garrus. It just feel weird is all. Its like…" She tried thinking of an example she could use to help Garrus but ended up gazing at him instead.

"Its like…?" Garrus still hadn't noticed Shepard staring at him, her intense gaze focusing on his scars.

"Your scars. They feel numb don't they?" She pointed out, lifting her hand to lightly graze them. That low growling noise emanated from Garrus as she did so.

"Yeah. In a way. Why, does your leg feel like my face?" Garrus looked down at her, relishing in the moment of Shepard's hand on his face, even though he couldn't feel a thing.

"Yeah…in a way." Shepard hadn't realized she sub-consciously repeated what he said, a small smile quirked as she inched closer to Garrus.

A small lull passed between them and Garrus was the first to disturb the peace. "Ready to celebrate New Year's? Is that what its called…?"

Shepard could feel the mess hall occupant's stares on her but she didn't mind. She just kept smiling and replied, "We'll take the whole crew out like we did on Christmas. I have an idea…let's take Joker with us out to dinner. I bet he's bored out of his skull talking to EDI all the time. He could use some real human contact."

Garrus nodded once in agreement. "Does he really just talk to that AI?"

"Well…I used to talk to him all the time, keep him company. Now I guess I just haven't had the time to go up there since a few days ago." Shepard sighed.

"Let's go see him now then. Don't want him doing…what was it that you told me? Pulling off a Crazy Ivan? Just out of boredom…"

Shepard lightly laughed, remembering exactly what Joker told her. "Yeah okay let's go."

The couple headed to the elevator, Shepard's numb feeling in her leg going away, and they entered. Generic elevator music played and Shepard had learned to tune it out but Garrus was already getting irritated by it. He groaned and practically ran out of the elevator as its doors opened to the Command Center level. Shepard followed and the two eventually were in the cockpit.

"No EDI for the hundredth time I will not take off my cap." Joker sounded exasperated, arguing with the AI interface.

"Research has shown that wearing any head item can eventually suppress your-"

"EDI I don't think that's particularly true." Shepard cut in, seeing what EDI was trying to do.

"If you say so Commander." EDI's orb blinked out of existence.

Joker looked relieved at the sight of Shepard. "Long time no see Commander."

"Not that long ago Joker." Shepard said amused. "Don't worry Joker. I got your back. I know you got bad hat hair." Joker scowled and Garrus chuckled. "Alright alright. Reason why we're here is that the three of us are going to get slobbering drunk for New Year's Eve. Just like old times."

Joker wouldn't admit it but he personally liked the idea of the both of them together, even if Garrus was there. "Sure thing Commander."

Even though Garrus got the girl and Joker was left out of the loop at times, he didn't mind their relationship. The only thing he missed really was him and Shepard's banter. But what Shepard said next made him truly smile.

Shepard grinned, placing a hand on both of her favorite people's shoulders and sighed happily. "Besides…I miss the banter."


End file.
